Updated: Apr 18
Have you ever said - or thought - I just need it to matter? Well, I have. Friend, I so have. I was, in fact, just saying it the other day, while driving in my car, having just dropped off my grandson. Perhaps it was nostalgia. Memories of youth flooding in.
But, then, while driving, they came. Those memories. The not so good ones. Ok, darn right horrible, traumatizing ones. And the flood of emotions came back in full force. Except this time I felt so stuck.
Stuck between my now and my dreams. The ones, I believe, God has planted in my heart. The crazy big ones. And not just any kind of stuck but the "Will I be here forever kind of stuck" and suddenly, my dreams looked like mountains and my hope started to fade.
Have you ever had this happen tp you as you realize the gap between your now and your where I feel led to be? And that gap feels like a mountain you are staring up at - Oh, and without mountain climbing tools?
Yeah, me to. But, here's the thing. Feelings lie. I won't deny the mountains are big, but so are our dreams. GOD sized dreams are always bigger than we can handle alone because he wants to come along for the ride. And not just come along, but lead the way.
I guess that's why I did the one thing that seemed to help. No, not run away from the mountain in fear, giving in to the feelings, and deciding this dream is to hard. Too big.. No, not go for it and run up the mountain, unprepared (Remember, no mountain tools) only to fall off the side of a cliff somewhere up there. Nope, not pretend there is no mountain and move about my day via detour.
This thing I did - what seemed to help is this - I cried out to God. And what I kept saying, with literal tears streaming down my face, is "I just need it to matter" "I just need it matter" Over and over again. And He heard me. He heard me.
How do I know for sure, you ask? Because His presence filled my car. That blanket of peace as soft as newly fallen snow. Oh,, and I heard a still, small, tiny voice say, "It matters". "It matters to me". Let me just tell you girl, like I said, I was already crying. But, up until that point, it was that graceful, kind of quiet cry.....But when I heard His voice, I snot-nosed cried and just kept thanking Him and leaning into Him.
If you know anything about my story, it isn't pretty. In fact, it is downright ugly and heartbreaking and gut wrenchingly painful. It's the kind of story that makes you not want to get out of bed in the morning, much less rejoice. And in my lesser moments, that is exactly how I have felt and behaved. Covered up in blankets, ugly memories swarming around in my head, and my history slaying the day.
But not this day. On this day, instead of staring up at the mountain and then giving up because the mountain felt so big, I cried out to the mountain maker, and He met me there. He met me there. He met me there. Giving me the strength to go on. Not just go on, but live joyfully chasing those dreams in my heart - Him leading the way.
Because you see, while I wanted the pretty story wrapped up with a tidy red bow and ribbons - You know the fairytale kind of life every girl dreams of, I got the Brothers Grimm version and for a long time, I fought that. But you see, sweet sister, the Brothers Grimm version is the version God allowed for me because my life is really His story, His story of love and redemption and meaning and purpose. It really isn't about me. It never has been. It is about Him and His love for us. His love for you and me.
If your anything like me, you have to fight the desire to write and direct your story, re-paint it, shed better lighting on your story, hide it or downright refuse to live out your story and i have one thing to say about that. Please don't. Please don't stuff your story down with your morning coffee and Cheerios. Because your story, your life, the real you, warts and all, is Gods gift to the rest of us, God's gift to you. And that matters. And you matter.
You matter. Always remember that. What I say to - what I ask you now is will the real (insert name) please stand up? Stand up for Him and stand up for your story. By doing so, you also stand up for you. The world needs the gifts you bring to the rest of us.
Cheering you on,
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Hang in there sister. You are worth it!