Updated: Apr 24, 2020
When I started this blog at the height of the "#MeT00" movement, I promised to circle back to pieces of my own struggle. Today's blog will. Here's an excerpt from my book. Its been sitting in my computer for some time. My testimony has been sitting longer. Both yet to be shared much. Its time to change that. Its time I take my book and my testimony off the shelf, dust them off, and share them for the purpose they were created. The same purpose we each have been created. To give GOD more glory. Its time! So, here goes. A sneak peek of my book coming out this fall. A sneak peek into GODS story of my life.
"In the dark, foreboding woods one, crisp, fall evening, my life of a mere, twelve, short years
forever changed. How I wish I’d known BOUNDARIES then! How many times had I asked myself why I couldn’t stop him that night, why I acted like I didn’t care, why I froze, why “Your hurting me!” wasn’t enough, why GOD allowed me to be used and abused?
Truthfully, I could not accept the experience nor my inability to make it different. I blamed myself. I lost all hope. Scarred for life. Damaged beyond repair. I became depressed, tossed to and fro by others whims. A shell of my former self, so lost, so despondent. Then, I discovered boundaries. I heard the voice of GOD saying, “You MUST choose!” You must be kidding. I didn’t choose that. Furthermore, I didn’t know or hadn’t heard of a boundary up until then. Nope. I had not. The permission to choose was one of many boundaries I would come to learn. Free will was the start.
I wish I could say the time between my assault and my discovery of choice was of short duration. That would be a lie. I spent almost a decade unraveling until I ended up in the psychiatric ward of a hospital. I died a thousand deaths until I heard GOD speak. I spoke of this evil to no one except my sister and I don't even recall telling her or when. She said I had but my memory is a blur. This secret ate me alive, bit by bit, from the inside out, until I no longer new fantasy from reality. How could I go on?
I was given many different diagnoses throughout the years of unraveling and putting myself back together, piece by piece. Despite that, one thing is for sure, I had lost my mind. Psychosis, depression, panic attacks, anxiety, PTSD. You name it, I felt it. Experienced it. Lived it. Saw it coming. Asked for help over and over. Told my mom I felt like I was losing my mind. Terrorized by fear, unable to sleep. I was a complete emotional and psychological mess. I had no idea how to get well. I had no hope for my future. I only wanted the pain to end. I wanted to feel better and did not believe I ever would.
That is until GOD stepped in and told me, “You must choose”. I saw fire and light and I simply remember saying, “I choose you GOD, I choose you GOD, over and over.” I’d love to say this was the day of my salvation, yet, salvation day didn’t come until six years later. What did happen at that very moment was a glimmer of hope and peace. I spent the next decade being put back together piece by piece, all by GODS help and design. Did I know this at the time? NO. All I knew was what I needed came just when I needed it and helped me become a little more whole. From professional help to self-help books, education
about sexual assault, a husband and precious children, a home church, deliverance from evil and many other pieces, GOD began to build a “new normal” for me. He began to show me a life beyond unraveling.
There is hope beyond and within our struggles. From desperate and defeated to wholesome and whole, I have lived every stage in between. I could never in a zillion years (and that’s a lot of time) imagine the life I have today, but GOD could and he did and he made sure of it. I have a sneaking suspicion, if your reading this book, you may have a hard time imagining a hopeful future too! Precious one, please don’t despair! GOD has your back and your front and your side. Actually, he has ALL of you in the palm of his hand. He will imagine your future and lead you to it, step by step and day by day. He has planned your future from before you were born. In fact, in Jeremiah 1.5, his word says “Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you, before you were born, I set you apart.” Is that right? You don’t believe in GOD, you say! That’s okay too. Let’s see how you feel at the end of the book because the unraveling is just the beginning."
So, there you have it. A sneak peak into the book and my suffering. More importantly, a sneak peak into the power of GOD. He is the GOD of ALL hope. His hope is my prayer for you. I'd love to hear how your doing in your own healing journey. Drop me a line and let me know! KEEP THE FAITH!